


ship to shore

by peaches_n_roses



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Missing Scenes, angsty fluff, canon injured character, season 1 episode 6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27303235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaches_n_roses/pseuds/peaches_n_roses
Summary: Neither Regina nor Aleksander know how to speak about it, but they both know that they have to. Like a ship finds it's way to shore, they find their way back to each other.Some scenes I would have loved to see in S1E06 "Sic Mundus Creatus Est".
Relationships: Aleksander Tiedemann | Boris Niewald/Regina Tiedemann
Comments: 23
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

“Say that everything is okay,” Regina begs her husband while still gasping for breath. Aleksander hesitates. _I’m pretty sure nothing is okay with you right now,_ he thinks. She hasn’t had nightmares for years. She seemed to be over it, over the Nielsens, over everything that happened before he met her. But now that the Nielsens are all over the media and two boys went missing, just like Mads did all these years ago, it’s no wonder that those memories and pictures haunt her again. _Or is it?_ Aleksander questions his own explanation.

“Everything is okay,” he says, trying to not sound as worried as he is. “You should drink something,” he suggests after a while of stroking her shoulder and back, waiting for her breaths to become slower again. She doesn’t look at him and doesn’t answer, instead she just stares into nowhere. Aleksander turns around to hand her the glass of water from his nightstand.

“Thank you,” she whispers barely audible and takes a sip. After handing the glass back to him she sighs. “I’m so sorry for waking you up,” she breathes out and lets herself fall onto her pillow. “You don’t have to be,” he gently says as he moves closer to her.

“What are you doing?” Regina is confused. “I’m snuggling up to you. Don’t you remember, we used to do that back in the days? We used to cuddle until you fell asleep again, and if you didn’t - I stayed awake with you,” he explains. “This was okay when you were in your twenties, but now _you’re_ the head of the power plant, you have duties, responsibilities and you have employees that rely on you. You have been so busy the last weeks. Aleksander, you can’t just show up sleep-deprived tomorrow, you need your rest.” “I won’t leave you alone now. What should happen? As you said I’m the head of the plant, no one is going to fire me,” he says with a weak smile before he pulls her closer and slips under her blanket.

She acknowledges that she won’t win that argument and turns over to look in his eyes, as he firmly wraps his arm around her and places the other one above her head. She blinks at him a few times. They haven’t done things like this for weeks. Both of them have been busy at work and always fell asleep the moment they dropped into their bed. The news about Michael Kahnwald’s suicide and the missing children added to their marred moods.

Especially Aleksander seemed to be caught up in his thoughts a lot since the summer. _He has to manage the shutdown of the power plant in less than a year, of course that stresses him out_ , Regina tries to calm herself down. But she always thought that there must be more to his behaviour. They already went through stressful times many times before, but in none of them they have neglected each other as much as they do now. She didn’t want to ask that annoying, stereotyped question ‘do you still love me’, but deep inside she still wondered.

_I know that he still loves me, he is just busy at the moment_ , she tried to convince herself. And then her results from the clinic came. She didn’t have the heart to tell him now, in his state of mind.

His fingers stroking through her hair pull her out of her thoughts, which was Aleksander’s intention. “Have I ever told you that your hair is so soft?” He gets a soft chuckle and an eye roll as a response. Of course he has. A thousand times. He compliments her hair much more often than anything else – he knew that this attempt to distract her thoughts would work.

_What was I thinking? Of course he still cares for me… He really is just stressed. Turn your inner cinema off, Regina_ , she tells herself. After a while of staring into his eyes, that are barely visible in the darkness of their bedroom, she whispers “thank you Aleksander, for everything.” Neither of them was sure about what she meant with _everything_ , but Aleksander heard that she was close to tears. He brushes some strands of hair behind her ear and then kisses her forehead, then the tip of her nose and as he reaches her lips, a single tear rolls down her cheek.

Aleksander being so affectionate and loving again took a load off her mind. “Can you tell me a story? Something that happened at work or something you read about, just anything please,” she hesitated to ask him but she thought it might help her fall asleep again. _It’s the least I can do for you right now_ , he thinks, and starts telling her some witty anecdotes about employees and things he was told about that happened in town. He has thousands of these little stories. It seems like listening to the town gossip is part of his job.

He can feel how her body loses tension and her breaths become slower. _So her nightmares are back again_ , he thinks to himself as he caresses her back while talking on. _Why? Regina doesn’t care about the Nielsens anymore, or at least not enough that their missing son would cause her nightmares. Something else must have happened._

_Regina, what is on your mind? What tortures you?_ He would have loved to ask her, but she fell asleep already. He supposes that she never found out, but even back in the day when she had nightmares, he didn’t go to sleep after she found sleep. He always stayed awake in case she might start from her sleep again and to prevent himself from not hearing it and not being there for her. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the first chapter came off a bit one-shot-ish, surprise: it's not! ;)
> 
> This one starts right after Katharina, Magnus and Martha left the school building. Enjoy!

Regina rolls her shoulders, adjusts her skirt and brushes some dust from it. Then she looks around. _Thank god nobody else saw this_ , she thinks to herself. Still she feels exposed in the bright neon light of the school corridor.

_Thank god Bartosz didn’t see this._ It dawns on her that she would have gotten him in a terrible dilemma. He would have had to decide for his mother or his girlfriend. Of course she would wish for him to always choose his family over everyone else, but when she was his age she wouldn’t have chosen her mother over Aleksander either. _But I haven’t even attacked Martha._ _And it’s not my fault Katharina still hasn’t learned how to solve conflicts without violence and obviously has some anger management issues,_ she tries to convince herself.

Now she realises the throbbing pain her lip radiates. She tries to wipe some blood away with her hand, but it’s too much blood for that. She’s bleeding briskly. _I guess I’ll have to wash it away_ , she admits to herself, although she has a queasy feeling making her way to the girls’ washroom.

She hasn’t been in this girls’ washroom for 30 years. Looking around she realises that in those 30 years almost nothing has changed. It’s still the same ugly yellowish tilework that make this room seem even more restrictive and cold than it already is. There are still stickers and scribbles everywhere. Even the rain is pattering against the window like it does in her memories.

It used to be the place where she found peace for a while, when the other students were incredibly mean to her once again, when she didn’t want to stand around all by herself in the corridors, exposed to all those scornful glances or when she just wanted to be alone. She doesn’t even want to know how many tears she has shed in this room.

She walks up to one of the mirrors and looks at herself. Looking at her own reflection now feels different than looking in that mirror during her schooldays. These days it’s blood that’s smeared all over her face, not tears like back in the day. She won’t cry today. She realises that she isn’t even sad. It’s blood of victory.

_I have managed to speak up against her. After all these years life gave me a chance and I took it. It wasn’t me who humiliated herself in front of her own children. I was just speaking my mind… Because of Aleksander_ , she realises.

After he hung up their call she gave herself a couple of minutes to cry and to collect herself. Then she walked into the school with an incredibly boosted confidence, it almost felt like the world was hers for a moment. _Crazy, what a single ‘I love you’ from that man still does to you, Regina_ , she mocks herself.

She wonders why he felt the urge to make that call. What was it for? Did he just feel guilty for not answering her call earlier today? She was mad that he didn’t have the time to answer her call. She tried to recall the moment when both of them became such workaholics who have meetings, after meetings, after meetings and can’t even pick up their phones when their spouse calls. But it turned out that Aleksander not picking up his pone was a blessing in disguise. She still doesn’t know what she would have told him.

Any form of “help me please” would have been ungrateful in her eyes. He already did so much for her last night. He helped her fall asleep, he didn’t ask her any questions and distracted her instead. He just wanted her to be comfortable. His affections felt good, falling asleep in his arms again even better. _Damn, I’ve missed him_ , she realises.

She turns on the tap and first lets some ice cold water run over her wrists. It makes her feel alive again. She rinses the blood off her face, carefully trying not to destroy any makeup that is left on her face. The blood that is mixing with the water before running down the drain reminds her of her first day with Aleksander. The day that changed her life. The day that made it possible for her that she was able to speak up against Katharina today, that she is right now wearing bruises Katharina gave her without feeling defeated in any way, because she now knows that she’s better than her in every sense of the word. _All of that is his credit_ , at least Regina thinks so.

Looking up and into the mirror again she realises that the bleeding isn’t that bad anymore, it has almost stopped. Her phone briefly vibrates in the pocket of her coat. A text from Bartosz. “Mama I can see your car but you’re not in it. Where are you???” She hastily grabs some paper towels, dries her hands and carefully dabs some blood remains off her lips before rushing into the corridors again.

_Fuck,_ she thinks on her way to the exit. _My son will see me like this._ All of a sudden she’s nervous. She thinks of an excuse for the vast bruise on her face. _“That? Oh, that’s nothing, I just had a little quarrel with your mother-in-law, nothing serious.”_ The absurdity of two women in their end-forties having a fight in the school corridor almost makes her laugh. 

It seems like the play has now officially ended and the hallways are crowded, still she recognises Bartosz pretty fast. He’s standing in a corner near the exit door, hands buried in his pockets and his eyes fixated on the ground. _He has gotten tall. Wasn’t he too short to legally sit in the passenger’s seat like yesterday? She dwells on her memories for a moment._ Now he’s taller than her and Aleksander, which doesn’t make him extraordinary tall, but it’s funny, it even makes her smile a bit. She doesn’t even notice if anybody is staring at the blood remains on her skin.

She doesn’t even need an excuse for what happened to her face. Bartosz doesn’t make any effort to look at her either. He keeps his eyes on the ground as they walk towards the exit. “How was the play?” she asks with a weak smile. Bartosz doesn’t answer.

“I’m sorry, I left my umbrella in the car,” she adds as he puts on his hood. _Shortly before getting out of the car I received a call from your father that made me forget that the world is spinning, a call that made me forget all my problems and worries, even the rain outside my car_ , she adds in her mind.

Bartosz still doesn’t say a word, not even after they dropped into their car seats after running through the pouring rain. He only crosses his arms, leans back and looks out of the window. Regina briefly squeezes his shoulder after starting the motor. “Can you please at least say something? You look tired,” she says with genuine worry written all over her face. He only nods.

It makes her worry more than it makes her angry. Her own mother would have snapped by now. She still has her voice saying “Regina I’m talking to you” ringing in her ears. She would never dare to say that. Bartosz does not only look tired, but also sad. Regina remembers that he and Martha are having a troubled time and Jonas, his best friend, has just returned from the psychiatric clinic. The boy is having a rough time.

_And I’ve probably made it worse,_ she thinks. _Damn, he’s going to kill me if he ever finds out what really happened today. Will Martha tell him?_

Bartosz sighs and then finally looks at his mother. Now it's her who seems to be caught up in her thoughts. “Mama, are you okay?” “Of course I am,” Regina tries to act like she doesn’t know why he’s asking. “There is blood on your face. A lot of it.” It started bleeding again. “Oh that”, she chuckles as she reaches for the pack of paper tissues from the centre console, “it’s not that bad.”

She does her best to wipe most of the blood away, but he bleeding still doesn’t seem to stop. After one tissue is completely soaked she reaches for another one. After a while of watching, Bartosz asks her if she’s sure about that. She nods. “Come on, Mama. Did somebody hurt you? If anybody did - I swear I’d finish them,” he says with some noticeable concern in his voice.

She blinks a few times to keep herself from tearing up. “No, I’m actually fine” are the only words that come out of her mouth. Bartosz gives up hope that she would tell him anything with a sigh and looks out of the window again.

She can’t deny how many traits Bartosz has inherited and learned from Aleksander. _Aleksander. So protecting, so loving, so respectful, so caring - no matter what, no matter when. And I didn’t even tell him anything._ She feels guilty for wanting to wait for the right moment to tell him about her diagnosis.

Her mind’s eye won’t stop showing his picture. How badly she wants to drown in the blue of his eyes again. How badly she wants to be back where she was last night – wrapped in his arms, able to breathe in his scent and feel his warmth, far away from all of her problems.

* * *

At home, Aleksander counts the minutes for her to come home. He leans against the kitchen counter and loosens the knot of his tie a bit. All of a sudden it’s hard to breathe. _“We detected invasive carcinomas weeks ago.”_ That sentence won’t stop running through his mind. Weeks ago. And she didn’t tell him.

Something was off about her for some time. Something he knew had nothing to do with stress at work or other excuses. He wanted to ask her what’s wrong, but he was sure she wouldn’t answer. No, actually he was afraid of her answer. They put so much distance between each other. He put so much distance between them. _Yes, all of that is your own fault,_ he tells himself.

He thought some distance might be her way out. Her way out of a relationship full of lies. Full of one lie. One lie he’s preserving for almost exactly 33 years. The newspaper article that he found one summer morning about the murder he committed himself made him realise that she has helped him hide his past for over 30 years. Without wanting anything in return. He wanted to show her that she is free and that she doesn’t need him to live. He thought that she might even live a better life without him.

_Of course I had this genius idea in the time she needs me the most,_ he accuses himself. Instead of making things easier for her, he only made them worse. He doesn’t even want to imagine how terrible everything must have tortured her. That’s why she has nightmares again. He can’t even remember the last time he saw her smile. _Maybe I took our last ever happy days for granted_.

He feels guilty. Surely she planned to tell him. Maybe she just wanted to wait for the right moment. Now it looks like he spied on her. He took the chance from her to sit down with him and let him find out the way she wants to _. I can’t just tell her that I found out myself,_ he thinks, _if she hasn’t figured it out by herself already_.

Never had he felt the urge to tell her that he loves her and that he’s there for her as much as he felt it today. Maybe it helps her to open up about everything that’s on her mind. She probably needed to hear that much earlier than today. _But late is better than never, isn’t it?_

He listens to the rain pattering against the kitchen windows. Her constantly working overtime and still not taking much about work, the nightmare last night – everything makes sense now. He desperately wishes for another explanation, one that doesn’t involve Regina’s health. But there is none.

He looks at his watch. _What is taking her so long to come home?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you had a good time reading this! 
> 
> Say thanks to 'violetshour' for motivating me and for keeping me sane these days <3.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, but here it is, the next chapter. Enjoy reading!

She can feel his body heat taking over her as his arms are still embracing her.

_How long have we been like this? A minute? Five? An hour?_ , she wonders while opening her eyes for the first time again. Yet she can’t see anything, the light in their kitchen is too bright. He tightens his grip around her a bit and she starts feeling guilty. Since she had her nightmare last night he took every chance to comfort her. He hasn’t slept much and worked overtime today, _he shouldn’t have to worry about me in addition to that._

“I’m sorry, now there is blood on your shirt,” Regina snuffles while letting go of Aleksander. But at first he holds on tight to her, he doesn’t want to let her go just yet. He didn’t even see the injury before he took her into his arms. He could only focus on her tears, although the blood is even more prominent, he notices now.

He caresses her back one last time before letting go of her, only to carefully lift up her chin and to tilt her head a bit more towards the light, concern written all over his face. The wound isn’t big, but there is a lot of dried blood smeared around it, just like the wounds he used to have from fights when he was younger. He used to end up in fights all the time. She avoids his gaze and her hands start shaking. She looks ashamed and afraid of his judgement at the same time. Then it dawns on him. _This is an injury from a fight. Someone beat her up._

“Regina”, he hesitates, the realisation he just made makes his blood freeze, “who did this to you?” Slowly he lets go of her face. “I… It’s complicated. I had…” She stutters, crosses her arms in front of her body, then drops them again. “Take your time”, he gently says, “we’ll have to clean that.” She bites her bottom lip to stop it from quivering and slowly nods while he helps her out of her coat.

After hanging it up in the hallway, just where he found the letter an hour before, he takes her by her wrist and drags her to the bathroom. Regina doesn’t protest, she’s too busy trying not to cry again. Everything is too much for her right now, even walking to the bathroom is a challenge that seems to be almost unbearable if he wasn’t there to guide her.

While Aleksander starts searching the bathroom cabinets for something to clean her injury with, she sits down on the edge of the bathtub. She would help him search, but she can’t see anything through her tears and it felt awkward to just stand around.

It also feels awkward to sit around with nothing to do. _I owe an explanation to him_ , she thinks. Before she can come up with a way to express everything that happened today, he interrupts her thoughts. “I found something,” he says while taking a closer look at the white bottle of antiseptic agent in his hand. “It’s probably expired,” she chuckles. It didn’t really sound like a chuckle, her voice was too tearful for that.

Aleksander decides that it’s better to chuckle along than to ask her anything now. He doesn’t want to force her to talk about things that might make her even more uncomfortable. _If she wanted to tell me or knew how to, she would have already done that, right? Does she still have that trust in me or… Have I spoiled her trust by neglecting her that much?_ His thoughts won’t stop spiralling.

He pours some of the antiseptic agent on a gauze pad, both still from a time when Bartosz used to come home from the playground with sore knees and elbows all the time. He catches sight of Regina softly smiling at the small first aid kit she put together herself back then. They both forgot that it existed. Regina screws up her face in pain. Smiling hurts.

He sits down beside her. _Are you ready for this_ , he tries to ask with his eyes. And almost like she can read his mind, she nods. He first takes her hand in his before starting to clean her injury. Regina is surprised and almost overwhelmed by how he manages to calm her with those little gestures and how he cares for her so much. The antiseptic agent burns terribly. She digs her fingernails into the back of his hand, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

While he soaks another gauze pad with antiseptic agent, she watches him. She can’t suppress a brief laugh trough her tears. The situation is too absurd in her eyes. “What are you laughing at?” he asks playfully offended. “I’m just having a déjà-vu. A very absurd one. The bathroom tiles, the smell of antiseptics, the light… You can’t tell me that you don’t feel it, too _.”_

_I am too busy worrying about you, I can’t have déjà-vus right now,_ he thinks. But of course he gets what she means. They never really address the day they met in their daily conversations, but still that day is omnipresent in their lives. “I never thought we’d do this again either,” he says as he’s taking her hand again before continuing to clean her wound.

Again, he gently tilts her face towards the light, almost afraid she might break under the weight of everything she’s carrying around with her at the moment. “We’re done,” he finally says. She lets go of his hand. Aleksander doesn’t even look at the marks she left behind on his hand. “I’ll get you a pack of ice,” he adds as he throws the bloody gauze pads into the bin.

The bathroom feels overwhelmingly empty without him now. The cool lighting from above the bathroom mirror is so at odds to the warm lights in the hallway he turns on while making his way to the kitchen. She realises that she’s still wearing her boots. _How on earth do I deserve Aleksander_ , she wonders as she kicks them off and throws them into the corner. _You have to tell him the truth or at least something. He is so worried about you_ , her mind tells her constantly.

The sound of the patter of his footsteps on the slightly creaking wooden floor as he approaches the bathroom again calms her down. She can’t explain why, but it feels like home. She feels a familiar type of warmth around her heart as he hands her a pack of ice that is neatly wrapped into a towel.

“Do you have any other discomfort? Do you have a headache? Do you feel sick?” he asks in concern. She shakes her head at everything. Carefully, he places his lips on her forehead to feel her temperature. “You also don’t seem to have a fever”, he sighs in relief, “but if you feel like anything is changing – tell me. You’ll have to see a doctor then. Injuries at the lip are quite serious.” He starts stroking up and down her arm, to show her at least some closeness, although he isn’t sure if that’s what she wants and needs right now.

_Quite serious_ , it echoes in her mind. _It wouldn’t be if I had any self-defence skills._ She curses herself for just taking Katharina’s hits without doing anything. _Almost like I didn’t move on in the past 30 years at all._

A few minutes of silence pass between them. Regina lifts her arm to rub over the blood stain she left on Aleksander’s shirt. “I’m so sorry. You’ll never get that out,” she muffles. He smiles an encouraging, but soft smile. “It’s fine. I never liked this shirt much anyways.” _Stop lying to me,_ _I know that you do_ , she wants to scream at him. It used to be his favourite shirt for quite some time now. But then she realises why he said that.

_He wants you to feel safe. You have just let him clean your wounds and worry about you and you still haven’t delivered him any explanation. And he doesn’t even ask or pressure you in any other way. You don’t even deserve him, but he deserves an explanation_ , she tells herself.

After a while Regina swallows. “My younger self would look up to me now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice cliff hanger, I know. This chapter tells you little to nothing new, I know that, too. But the next chapters will, I promise <3.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reads this, this work means a lot to me, so does your feedback!
> 
> And if it wasn't for 'violetshour's uplifting and motivational words, this wouldn't be anywhere near finished right now. Thank you so much, my dear.


	4. Chapter 4

“Yes. My younger self would definitely look up to me now,” Regina once again tries to make it sound like a joke, but the sad undertone in her voice is unmistakeable. Just as unmistakeable as the confusion on Aleksander’s face. “I don’t even know where to start”, her voice is shaking, “It was Katharina. We had a little… quarrel. And she did this to me.” Her voice that first almost echoed on the bathroom walls became quiet in the end.

Aleksander straightens his back. He can’t believe what he has just heard. “But I was right. The whole time. I only said the truth. If she finds it so terrible here she really should leave,” she continues more muffling those words to herself than actually talking to him. He doesn’t understand a word, instead he just stares at her. “Oh. Of course you don’t understand. You haven’t heard what she said on the radio,” and so she tries to retell everything Katharina said earlier.

“And then”, she swallows as she almost reached the end, Aleksander’s hand resting on her arm, “I encountered her in the school corridor. I took the chance. I attacked her. Verbally.” As he doesn’t say anything, she decides to continue. “I told her that she could easily leave if it’s that terrible here. And then that immature bitch who somehow got the permission to teach kids – perhaps she bought it, I can’t explain it otherwise - beat me up.”

Aleksander slowly takes his hand away from her arm and wraps his arm around her while goose bumps spread all over his body. “You know I can’t just hit back. I never could and I still can’t,” she adds with a sniff. “I know, Regina. It’s actually a good trait that you could never hurt someone physically”, he has to swallow away his own guilt, “You overcame an obstacle today. You couldn’t know that it would end like this. Maybe you can’t see this yourself right now, but you should be proud. And if you can’t be proud right now, just know that I’m proud of you.” _No one would blame you for verbally snapping, if they knew what you are going through right now,_ he wanted to add, but he remembered that she doesn’t even know that he knows about her diagnosis.

He is impressed by himself that he found words. Deep inside he is shocked, he almost feels numb. Both of them thought that the times where the Nielsens were an actual threat to Regina’s mental health and well-being were over for a long time. And now they’re even attacking her physical health. _And I was nowhere around to provide this_. He desperately tries to find some more words to say, but he can’t. Regina notices how he’s tightening his grip around her as he ponders on it.

“She wasn’t the only one I encountered with today”, she breathes out, “I also had the honour to be visited by her husband today. All those years they thought that it was me who accused Ulrich of raping Katharina. That’s why they wanted to batter me that day… in the woods.” Aleksander has always loved that ironic grin of hers, but today it seems like it’s cutting into his soul. “Why would they think that?” he asks visibly confused. “Hannah told them. Hannah told them that I told my grandpa,” her voice breaks as she answers.

Her grandfather. Aleksander knows that he’s a painful topic for her. There were times when Egon was the only person Regina felt safe with. Still today she blames herself for never telling him.

A quiet sob cuts the silence between them. “I don’t even care about what he said about me, but he called grandpa drunken and good-for-nothing… Egon was such a good guy. And he really loved me and you with his whole heart. Nowadays I’m grateful that it was him who found out about us, not my mother. I don’t even want to know what she would have said,” Regina sighs and snuggles into Aleksander’s arm even more.

Aleksander has been afraid to meet Egon ever since Regina first told him that her grandfather is a policeman. Policemen are said to have an instinct to distinguish the good from the bad people right away. He was afraid that Egon would look into his eyes once and that he would see all the disgraceful things and all the wrong he did before he met Regina. He was afraid that Egon would see that Regina deserves someone better, someone with a heart as pure as hers.

And then he met Egon for the first time. It was one afternoon in the early summer of 1987, Aleksander and Regina were sitting on a park bench near the centre of Winden, shielded from prying eyes, or at least the thought so. They were tightly embracing each other, caressing through the other ones hair as they were French kissing, when Egon suddenly walked along the street in front of them.

Regina decided in that moment that it might save her if she just introduced her boyfriend to her grandfather. Claudia didn’t know that she and Aleksander were dating, and Regina was afraid of her reaction. As Egon, Aleksander and her held a little small talk she constantly tried to speak with her eyes. “Please don’t tell my mother. She will kill me if she finds out that I’m dating one of her employees,” she tried to say. And it worked. Egon kept their relationship a secret until the day he died.

Egon never saw anything bad in Aleksander, he treated him as a part of the family right away. _Is that because I’m not that bad of a person, or because he isn’t that good of a policeman_ , he sometimes still finds himself thinking today. He always had issues with Ulrich. _Maybe, even after everything I’ve done, I’m still a better person than Ulrich_ , he tries to give himself solace.

“Why did Ulrich visit you at the hotel in the first place?” Aleksander tries to move away from this painful topic. “To ask me about the day Mads disappeared”, she breathed out, another painful topic, “And if I knew if his father and my mother had an affair. Can you believe he didn’t have a single clue?” He is convinced he could hear the small bit of despair in her tired voice.

“But what did you tell him?” He is afraid that she might have actually caused some trouble with her answer. “I only nodded. Although I would have loved to see his face if I responded with ‘oh, you mean our father?’ That fool can’t even notice the obvious, like an affair that lasted longer than the time we were alive.” She frustratedly throws her pack of ice into the sink.

“Hey. We still don’t know if he really is your father. You know that I don’t think so.” It makes her mad that after over 30 years Aleksander still doesn’t believe in her theory. “What makes you so sure about that?” He looks deeply into her eyes. “Have you ever looked at yourself? Your eyes, your nose, your chin – just everything. You do not have a Nielsen face. You look nothing like them,” he answers, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Regina doesn’t know how to respond. “That is a compliment,” he adds with a soft smile.

She leans her head against his while suppressing some tears. He’s been telling her that he doesn’t think that Tronte is her father for so long now, but he has never explained it the way he did today. It makes her feel guilty that sometimes she just can’t believe him. _Why isn’t he as annoyed of me as I am of myself sometimes? Why is he so patient with me?_

“Regina, I want to emphasize that I’m proud of you. I really am. You’re handling all of this so well. Your younger self would definitely look up to you, but not just since today. The fact that you were able to speak up against both of them is just one example of how much you’ve grown and moved on in the past 33 years. Besides that you built up your own business while still being there for your family. Your worth is not defined by the Nielsens.” She tightly shuts her eyes and bites her tongue, but it doesn’t help. Huge tears roll down her face in streams now.

“Aleksander”, she turns to look into his eyes, “I don’t want to sit next to Ulrich and Katharina in church at our son’s wedding.” _Neither do I,_ he would want to reply, but he doesn’t want to add to her suffering. He can practically see the pain of not having any of their relatives at their own wedding in her eyes. “Thank god Bartosz isn’t that religious,” he says dryly. It makes her giggle much more than she wanted to, but still the sadness in her eyes won’t disappear. “Okay, maybe we can avoid that, but I also don’t want to share my grandchildren with _them,_ ” her voice almost sounds disgusted. “Well, if that will happen, we will just have to convince our grandchildren that we’re the cooler grandparents”, he starts grinning widely all of a sudden, “and even if we won’t be the cooler grandparents, we will be the richer grandparents. We can spoil those children rotten if we want to.” “That sounds like a plan,” she chuckles and snuggles tighter into his embrace.

She hast to yawn. “Why are we even still sitting here? I could imagine more comfortable places than the edge of the bathtub,” she says as she looks around the bathroom. “That is a good question,” Aleksander has to admit. “I’ll meet you in the living room, please change into something warm before you come along,” the goose bumps on her legs have bothered him for a while now. He loosens his grip on her and briefly caresses her back before completely letting go of her, just like he did earlier. An old habit of his.

_Some things never change,_ Regina thinks as she gets up and heads for her closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it worked to give you some not-so-serious conversation in between, and I also hope that you enjoyed reading.
> 
> 'violetshour', my dear, I hope you enjoyed your easter egg hunt and that you realise that this whole chapter is full of your headcanons. Thanks for being my writing-buddy. You're cool. Seriously, this chapter wouldn't exist without you!<3


	5. Chapter 5

_I can’t tell him about my diagnosis now. It wouldn’t be fair if I did. I can’t ask too much of him. I need him to at least put his mind to rest for a bit today, I can’t make him worry even more_ , she lays out her thoughts on her way to the living room, still moved by how he took care of her and her injury.

  
  


The rain is still pattering onto the huge windows, Aleksander has put two glasses of water on a tray onto the coffee table and has only turned on the soft standard light in the corner. The ceiling light would have been too bright for his taste. The setting is peaceful, almost romantic, but Regina can see in his eyes that something isn’t right as they sit down on the couch together.

  
  


“You look tired. Was work exhausting today?” she asks after discovering the dark circles under his eyes. He twists a strand of her hair around his index finger and shakes his head. _Don’t tell her what’s really on your mind... yet_ , he tells himself. He wouldn’t even know how to explain it.

  
  


“How is Bartosz?” he asks out of the blue. _He hasn’t_ _even_ _seen him today,_ Regina realises. “Not good at all if you ask me. He was devastated, sad, he hardly even looked at me. He was so tired that I allowed him to go right up to bed without saying hi to you first”, she explains, “to make up for not being able to ask what’s wrong with _him_. I feel like I was like my own mother tonight. I put myself over him and it feels terrible. It would be interesting to know how my mother did that for almost 16 years without feeling as terrible as I do now.”

  
  


Wordlessly he pulls her in his arms and leans back into the couch cushions with her. She is pleasantly overwhelmed by his tight embrace and rests her head on his chest. She manages to put all of her thoughts aside for a moment and concentrates on his heartbeat. His heart beats calm and slowly, but still differently than usual. He’s struggling with something, she can feel it.

  
  


“You can’t be blamed for not being able to focus on anybody else right after that fight happened”, he whispers while caressing over her back, feeling the soft cotton of her sleepwear follow his movements, “your mind was already busy enough. Focusing on yourself for once does not make you a bad mother.” “Thank you,” she replies softly. “There is still time to talk to him tomorrow. Our boy loves you and nothing will change that so fast”, his breathing gets heavier, he takes a break from talking, his words seem to come out less easy, “And if he knew that you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders at the moment, he wouldn’t address any reproaches to you.”

  
  


Regina freezes for a second, then she breaks their embrace to look at him. His behaviour disturbs her. “Aleksander, something must have happened. I know you, this is not how you usually act around me,” she blurts out. _Tell her, tell her now_ , his mind yells at him.

  
  


“No, nothing happened. I’m just a little heartbroken, I guess,” is the first and the most honest thing he can come up with. “H-heartbroken? Why? You don’t need to worry about me. What did I-? Is this even about me?” _Tell her,_ the voice in his head repeats.

  
  


“Of course this is about you… Regina, let me be honest with you: As I hung up my coat today I found this”, he leans forward, towards the table and pushes the tray to the side, revealing a piece of paper, “in the pocket of your coat.” He holds it out to her, she doesn’t have her glasses on so it takes a couple of seconds until she realises what piece of paper she is holding. It’s the covering page of the letter from the mammography clinic she opened up this morning. Her hands start shaking, she opens her mouth but she can’t speak.

  
  


“This doesn’t have any results on it. I feel terribly sorry for doing this, but I was so concerned about you that I had to call there. Now I know it. Everything.” She blinks a few tears away and keeps looking at him.

  
  


“I’m sorry, I-” they say simultaneously. “I’m not mad at you, I just didn’t want you to find out this way,” she says quietly, her eyes focused on the ground since she can't bear looking at him any longer. Aleksander takes a deep breath. “They also said that you know about the carcinomas for weeks now. Weeks. You should have told me, but I don’t even blame you for not telling me. It was me who neglected you so much. I understand that you didn’t feel like you could trust me.”

  
  


_See what you have done, Regina._ _You could have prevented him feeling like this,_ she thinks to herself. Tears brim her eyes as she starts to speak. “It’s okay. I also didn’t do anything to stop this cycle of neglecting each other. I guess I’m too vain for that. And I didn’t talk to you about it because I didn’t have the heart to tell you. You seemed to be so caught up in your job, constantly working overtime, getting little to no sleep at all. And then the kids disappeared and business began to become slow, I started working overtime, too, I just didn’t find the right moment.”

  
  


They both listen to the sound of the rain thinking about what to say until Aleksander decides to speak. “I noticed that there was something off about you quite some time ago. But I couldn’t ask you any questions that may make you uncomfortable. You don’t do that either, and I’m thankful for that. Damn, Regina, I love you more than my job and I always will,” his usually steady voice is shaking as he confesses. Regina is convinced that there are tears in his eyes as well. “I will always be here to listen to you and to help you, no matter what it is”, he continues,”ca 26 years ago I promised you this”, he looks at his left hand, then back up to her,” in front of the altar. I did many, many disgraceful things in my life, but I’d never break those promises.”

  
  


He leans back and rubs his eyes. _Don’t show her that you can probably deal less with her diagnosis than she can._ Then he feels the soft touch of her lips on his. He pulls away immediately. “Your lip is hurt,” he reminds her. “I don’t care”, she breathes against his lips, her voice still trembling,” I really want to kiss you.” “Are you sure?” he wants to know. Her only answer is slowly pressing her lips onto his again. He returns the kiss, careful not to hurt her.

  
  


As they part huge tears roll down her cheeks in streams. Aleksander gently caresses some of them away with his thumbs before pulling her back into his arms, this time even tighter than before. She keeps sobbing while resting on his chest, the last bits of makeup left on her skin mix with her tears and soak into his shirt.

  
  


“I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. I really am, but I always had this spark of hope that… you know, it wasn’t real. That one day I’d wake up and the knot would be gone and everything would have been just another one of my nightmares. I should have known that this wouldn’t happen. I’m sorry Aleksander,” she says after calming down a bit.

  
  


He strokes over her back. “Don’t be”, he says,” Isn’t it probably my fault that you got it? I mean, all of the radiation-.” “Come on”, she interrupts him, “if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s my mother’s. She didn’t even stop working at the plant as she was pregnant, she sometimes even took me with her when I was little. I’ve been in contact with radiation since before birth. And besides that, it’s in my genes. Egon had it too, and we don’t even know about my father’s side. They always say at the clinic that it would be useful to know that but…” She sighs and wraps one arm around Aleksander’s middle.

  
  


_The clinic. The clinic,_ it echoes in his head. _She had to go to a clinic_. It dawns on him that she had to do multiple tests at the doctors’, had to have her blood taken… All those things she has been afraid of all her life. It was always him who had to take Bartosz to doctor appointments because Regina was always afraid that her fears would rub off on him.

  
  


“I would like to accompany you to your next appointment at the clinic,” he tells her. She sits up to look at him and smiles through her tears. “I’ve really missed a hand to hold. Your hand to hold.”

  
  


“Can you tell me that everything is okay?” she asks as their fingers intertwine. The soft smile on his face drops. “I can’t do that right now. Because it isn’t. But I can tell you that everything _will_ be fine.” He isn’t sure if he can believe his own words, but he wants to, so deeply. He takes her hand up to his lips and presses a light kiss onto her knuckles.

  
  


In that moment Regina’s gaze settles onto Aleksander’s shirt. There are blood and makeup stains spread all over it’s right side. “Can you please change into something… clean? I’m really sorry for ruining this one.” He looks down at himself and rubs over the crusted blood stain. “I will. And I will try to get this out, I’m pretty sure it’s not ruined forever,” he explains softly.

  
  


He is about to get up and head for the laundry as Regina squeezes his hand. Her eyes are filled with sadness and hopelessness again. “How do I tell Bartosz? Wouldn’t it make his state of mind even worse?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an explanation for the non-german-speakers: In season 2 episode 5 Regina doesn't ask Aleksander to tell her that everything is alright/okay, but she says "Sag, dass alles gut wird" which would usually translate to "Say that everything will be fine" but sadly they used "Say that everything is okay" in the subtitles, which kind of changes the meaning of it and is a little ill-fitting in the context. Anyways, I wanted to use that line in one of my works, too, because it is actually really beautiful. So sad that later we found out that in fact nothing turned out fine for them...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading<3, I would love to read about your thoughts on this one.


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